Wednesday, July 13, 2005

How do you cope?

Days like this, I wonder why I bother. It's not that I got held a half hour extra at work. It's not that I have to work 8 hours on Saturday afternoon, even though I told my boss that I couldn't work Saturday afternoons and that I would rather work mornings. I meet with my therapist on Saturday afternoons, since the rest of the week he's in Shreveport on an internship for what maybe our future. I don't even know what I want with my life anymore. . .But I'll get into that later.

Mostly, it's because, not only are those two things happening, but also, I feel like total crap with a head ache, and a stomach ache, and I've been sniffling and coughing for like 3 days. When I was finally able to leave from HELL, I mean, McDonald's. . .I felt like I was going to puke, or pass out. . .Or something along those lines. . .But I was going home, so that was fine. The VCR didn't want to work, while I attempted to balance a plate of nasty cold macaroni and a baked potato in my lap so when I reached for the other remote, there went supper. Stomach ache not going away anytime soon as I starve until breakfast tomorrow. Then I work 7 hours tomorrow. . .Off Friday. . .And 8 hours on Saturday. . .Why couldn't I have 8 hours on Friday and ZERO on Saturday. . .Instead of getting off at 10 on Saturday (yea, like that's gonna happen. . .Probably be more like 11) then drive home and go straight to bed cause I have to be back up and out the door for 7:30 to be at work for 8. How in the HELL am I supposed to be cheery with all the elderly people and the morons that come in on Sunday mornings on like no sleep. I'm not cheery with no sleep. . .I'm more like Annie. Delirious and hating people. My highlights were looking cute going to the bowling alley, talking to Aaron and Attack of the Show. They are awesome. .. WATCH IT on G4 at 6 Central and 11 Central. Or you can check them out online and see everything from the site. They even play "Happy Tree Friends" on Monday and Friday. Today, they blinged out phones and an X-Box. Kevin and Sarah are f'in awesome. You can even get clothes like them at JINX. I want the shirt that says, "You are so off My Buddy List."

So yea. . .The future. . .Well, who knows. . . I don't even know what I want to do really cause everytime I think I do, something falls apart, or something else becomes a major obstacle for it that is mostly impassable in this retarded little town or with the people I'm with or my parents. I'll never get anything I want staying here unless I can do it over the internet. Maybe I'll loose weight by the time I go back to school, and I'll feel better . . . And maybe I'll be happy for a while. I want to be happy, but sometimes I feel as if I'm one of those people who weren't meant for happiness...It's so fleeting when it comes and not nearly often enough to be called more than not. I thought I was supposed to be the optimist. . . .Maybe that's all an act too. I should have been in theater. Problem is my act is real life and no one knows or can even really tell. I want someone I can be real with and they won't get upset or ask me what the hell is wrong that I'm not being myself.

SLEEP, like DEATH, chases us all and one by one, at some point in time, we call succumb.

Good night.

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